i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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