id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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