I can text with my tongue
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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