What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
