We won't sleep together?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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