the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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