I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
