I am midnight drunk by noon
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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