i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize