guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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