He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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