They should really pass out barf bags in church
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
