You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
