There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
