i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize