Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
