Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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