I will die if light touches me.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
