We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
