Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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