New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
P.S. I can't hear my feet
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
