My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
