the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
