i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
