the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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