I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
40s are totally the cure
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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