if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
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