The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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