Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
