Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
