you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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