Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize