You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
whose ass print is on the piano?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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