My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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