It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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