Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
