Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize