well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
