Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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