im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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