I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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