My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
