you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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