i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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