when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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