listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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