The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
