I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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