dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
