I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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