Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
