You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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