I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
