So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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