So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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