just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just gift wrapped bread.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
