you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
