there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
