i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
