I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
