he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize