If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
