Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize