I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
