ya dads aren't the best wingmen
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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