Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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