I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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