He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just found puke in my bra..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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