i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
